Beiträge von Ewok

  • Witzisch

    Lesson 1
    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.


    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.


    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.


    Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.


    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'


    'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.


    'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


    Moral of the story:
    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


    Lesson 2
    A priest offered a Nun a lift.


    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.


    The priest nearly had an accident.


    After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.


    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'


    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'


    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'


    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.


    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



    Lesson 3
    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.


    They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
    'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world!'
    Puff! She's gone.


    'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'


    Puff! He's gone.


    'OK, you're up next,' the Genie says to the manager.


    The manager says: 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


    Moral of the story:
    Always let your boss have the first say.


    Lesson 4
    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.


    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
    The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'


    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.


    All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


    Moral of the story:
    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



    Lesson 5
    A turkey was chatting with a bull:


    'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
    'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'


    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.


    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.


    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.


    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


    Moral of the story:
    Bull *#$@$ might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


    Lesson 6
    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.


    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.


    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.


    The dung was actually thawing him out!


    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.


    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


    Morals of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who *#$@$s on you is your enemy.


    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of *#$@$ is your friend.


    (3) And when you're in deep *#$@$, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

  • Witzisch

    ANNOUNCEMENT


    Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.


    This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

  • Witzisch

    wieder mal ein praktisches Haustier (vielleicht nicht so passend zum Öffnen von Cel-Lieferungen ;) ):


    [media]

    ]

  • Witzisch

    A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'


    The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'


    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.


    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.


    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'


    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.


    'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'


    'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'

  • Witzisch

    Be Careful Out There:


    IDIOT SIGHTING :
    We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."


    We haven't used Sears repair since.


    IDIOT SIGHTING
    My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.


    Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


    IDIOT SIGHTING :
    I live in a semi- rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."


    From Kingman, KS


    IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
    My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.


    From Kansas City


    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
    "That's why we ask."


    Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectuallychallenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"


    She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS


    IDIOT SIGHTING :
    At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.


    This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.


    A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


    IDIOT SIGHTING :
    When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver 's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."


    This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi


    TAY ALERT!


    They walk and work among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !